Do You Have to Forgive in Order to Move Forward?

Forgiveness is often presented as an essential step in healing.

After a betrayal, divorce, family conflict, or other painful experience, people may hear:

“You need to forgive so you can move on.”

“Forgiveness is for you, not for them.”

“You can’t heal while you’re still holding on.”

These messages may be offered with good intentions. But they can also leave someone feeling as though they are responsible not only for surviving what happened, but also for reaching a particular emotional outcome afterward.

So, do you have to forgive in order to move forward?

Not necessarily.

Forgiveness is not a requirement for healing

Forgiveness can be meaningful and freeing for some people. For others, it may not feel possible, appropriate, or necessary.

Healing does not follow one prescribed sequence. A person may move forward by grieving what was lost, establishing healthier boundaries, accepting what cannot be changed, rebuilding trust in themselves, or creating a life that is no longer centered around what happened.

Forgiveness may become part of that process, but it does not have to be the measure of whether someone has healed.

What forgiveness does—and does not—mean

Part of the difficulty is that people often use the word forgiveness to mean several different things.

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean:

• Saying that what happened was acceptable.

• Forgetting or minimizing the harm.

• Restoring trust.

• Rebuilding the relationship.

• Giving someone continued access to you.

• Relieving another person of responsibility.

• Abandoning the boundaries that now protect you.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing.

Reconciliation requires some form of renewed relationship. Forgiveness, when someone chooses it, can occur internally and without renewed contact. A person can forgive and still decide that a relationship is unhealthy, unsafe, or no longer possible.

Sometimes the pressure to forgive becomes another burden

When people believe they are supposed to forgive, they may begin judging themselves for continuing to feel angry, sad, disappointed, or betrayed.

They may ask:

“Why am I not over this yet?”

“Am I holding myself back?”

“What is wrong with me that I can’t forgive?”

But difficult emotions are not always evidence that someone is refusing to heal.

Anger may communicate that an important boundary was crossed. Grief may reflect the significance of what was lost. Distrust may be a reasonable response to repeated harm.

These emotions may need to be understood and processed—not pushed aside so that forgiveness can happen more quickly.

Moving forward does not mean approving of the past

Moving forward may mean that what happened no longer shapes every decision or occupies the same amount of emotional space.

It may mean:

• Recognizing that you cannot change another person.

• Letting go of the hope that the past will somehow become different.

• Redefining or ending a relationship.

• Developing boundaries that reflect what you have learned.

• Reclaiming parts of yourself that were overshadowed by the experience.

• Choosing where you want to place your energy now.

None of this requires pretending the harm did not matter.

Forgiveness can be a process rather than a decision

Even when someone chooses forgiveness, it may not occur in one clear moment.

There may be times when a person feels at peace, followed by an anniversary, family event, legal issue, or new interaction that brings the hurt back to the surface.

That does not mean all progress has been lost.

Healing is rarely linear. Forgiveness may need to be revisited, particularly when the consequences of the original experience continue.

This is especially true during and after divorce, when former partners may still need to communicate about finances, children, family events, or other shared responsibilities. The relationship may have ended, but the emotional and practical effects may continue.

A more useful question

Instead of asking:

“Should I forgive?”

Consider asking:

“What do I need in order to heal and move forward?”

For one person, the answer may eventually include forgiveness.

For another, it may involve acceptance without forgiveness.

For someone else, it may mean grieving, creating distance, strengthening boundaries, or no longer waiting for an apology that may never come.

The goal is not to reach the response that other people think you should have.

The goal is to find a way forward that honors both what happened and what you need now.

Forgiveness, divorce, and the decision to move forward

Questions about forgiveness can become especially complicated during divorce. People may be coping with grief, betrayal, anger, financial uncertainty, changes within the family, and the loss of a future they expected to have.

I recently joined two professionals who work extensively in the divorce field for a conversation about forgiveness, emotional recovery, and what it can mean to move forward without excusing the past. I look forward to sharing the podcast with you once it's released.

Therapy can provide space to decide what healing means for you

Therapy is not a place where you should be pressured to forgive.

It can be a place to understand the impact of what happened, work through anger and grief, clarify boundaries, consider what you want from a relationship, and decide what moving forward means for you.

Forgiveness may become part of that work.

It may not.

Either way, healing remains possible.