Why Does Trying NOT to Think About it Backfire?
Why Does Trying NOT to Think About Something Make You Think About It More?
Try something for a moment.
Don't think about a pink elephant.
Don't picture one.
Don't think about its trunk.
Don't imagine what shade of pink it might be.
How did that go?
Chances are, a pink elephant showed up in your mind almost immediately.
It seems strange, but the harder we try not to think about something, the more attention we may end up giving it.
When Fighting a Thought Keeps It Around
We do this with much more important thoughts, too.
I need to stop worrying about this.
Don't think about what happened.
I shouldn't be feeling this way.
I have to get this out of my head.
The problem is that in order for your brain to check whether you're still thinking about something, it has to keep looking for the thought.
It's a little like repeatedly asking yourself, “Am I still thinking about it?”
And every time you check, you've brought your attention right back to it.
This doesn't mean we're powerless over our thoughts. It means that trying to force a thought away isn't always the most effective way to respond to it.
What If You Didn't Have to Fight the Thought?
This is one of the ideas we work with in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT—an evidence-based approach I've recently completed additional training in and have incorporated into my clinical work.
One analogy used in ACT is a finger trap—the small woven tube you may remember playing with as a child.
You put a finger into each end. Your first instinct is usually to pull your fingers apart to get them out.
But the harder you pull, the tighter the trap becomes.
Getting free requires doing something that may initially feel counterintuitive: instead of pulling away, you move your fingers toward each other. The trap loosens, and your fingers can come out.
Difficult thoughts and feelings can sometimes work in a similar way.
When we put all of our energy into “I can't think about this,” “I shouldn't feel this,” or “I have to make this anxiety go away,” the struggle itself can leave us feeling even more stuck.
ACT offers another possibility. Instead of putting all of our effort into fighting what's happening internally, we can learn to make room for it, notice it differently, and choose what we want to do next.
That doesn't mean liking the thought, agreeing with it, or giving up.
It means we don't have to win a fight with our thoughts before we can move forward.
Try This
The next time you notice yourself getting caught up in a difficult thought:
NOTICE IT
What is my mind saying?
↓
NAME IT
“I'm having the thought that…”
↓
CHOOSE WHAT'S NEXT
What would be useful for me to do right now?
You might still feel anxious.
The thought might still be there.
The goal isn't necessarily to make it disappear.
The goal is to keep a thought from automatically deciding what you do next.
Thoughts Aren't Commands
Our minds generate thoughts all day long.
Some are helpful.
Some are repetitive.
Some are frightening.
Some are simply wrong.
We don't have to argue with every thought, believe every thought, or get rid of every thought.
Sometimes we can simply notice:
“There's that thought again.”
And then decide where we want to put our attention.
The Takeaway
Trying harder not to think about something can sometimes keep us more focused on it.
Instead of asking:
“How do I make this thought go away?”
Try asking:
“Can I notice this thought without letting it determine what I do next?”
You don't have to control every thought that enters your mind.
You can learn to change your relationship with your thoughts—and choose how you respond to them.
When Your Thoughts Feel Hard to Step Away From
If worry, repetitive thinking, or difficult thoughts are taking up too much space, therapy can help you understand those patterns and develop practical ways to respond differently.
You don't have to believe—or battle—every thought your mind gives you.
